Left out….

So I just got off of Black Hair Media’s forum….(I don’t have a username because it won’t let me register for some reason so I just lurk) and I got frustrated because I could NOT find what I was looking for. There are all these TONS and TONS of websites on beauty and hair care, a growing number of which are for naturals, but none that cater to what I need. I’m mixed with a few races but both my parents identify as highly Africanized blacks. So my hair doesn’t look like Mariah Carey’s “Vision of Love” curls. Nor does it coil wildly yet prettily like Kelis or the Mowry twins (Sister Sister days).

Nope…I have an Angela Davis fro. A Erykah Badu mane. Tightly coiled, fast shrinking, sheen not shine having bush. Some might call it nappy. I don’t like that word. (Sidenote: LOVE how my BB convieniently suggested nappy lol when I typed “na”)

But there are half a dozen sites for “mixed chicks” and the like…but is beedy bees need style, maintenance, and care advice specific to us too!!

Random Rants of a scarred heart

I won’t tell my daughters fairytales. They only lead to heartbreak.

Love is simply a four letter word. Compatibility is what defines relationships…and even so, the odds of finding someone else you’re compatible with are high.

Funny the things ppl will do when they think you aren’t looking. Scary what they do when they KNOW.

Painful is the realization that the person your world revolves around doesn’t think nearly as much about you.

Under Construction….

MAJOR changes in my life. Haven’t blogged in AGES. But I’ve just downloaded the WP BlackBerry app, so…that will change shortly. Just wanted to let you guys know!!!

Feeling more Fit already…

I dunno if I posted it here but my P90X got sidetracked because I had issues with my resistance bands. So I started the whole thing over yesterday. Ab Ripper X damn near killed me!!!! Geez. Today’s a plyometric day so I’m not so worried bout this one, LOL. Also I’m combinig the diet with “The Ab Diet for Women”. If you haven’t read this book…DO IT NOW. It’s written by one of the editors of Men’s Health magazine (don’t have it with me right now and I’m being lazy so Ican’t tell you his name). It’s his like…sixth ab book, but the information in it will change the way you look at food completely. I’ve been following the diet only for a few days and I feel betterjust knowing about the things I’m putting into my body. Hopefully soon I can get back into the weight room doing heavy lifting. I miss the squat rack…IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND. lol. And Leg press machine. We were quite the trio. LMAO.

Still on the hunt for employment. I’m definitely working on that. LOL.

In fact…I’m off to search more now. Later ppl….mwah!!!

No, I don’t look fat in this, thank you….Pt. 1

 I am discouraged. Totally, completely.
I feel like there is no point in me going to the gym. I shall never run another lap, lift another weight, or go into another downward facing dog pose ever.

WHY?

Because I am fat. I will always be fat no matter what I do, unless I absolutely become anorexic. Which is just as bad as being fat. So why bother?

I have tried ever calculation…BMI, BFP, Body frame….all of it. Waist to hip ratio…..I quit. I QUIT!!!

They all tell me I’m fat. And there is no point at all whatsoever in telling you what the plain ol’ scale says because it’s the worst of them all.

I’m 5’5″….169 lbs….with a .69 waist/hip ratio, and 27.7 BMI (3 site skin fold)…..and that all boils down to me being slightly overweight, according to every used form of body measurement known to man!!!! But the thing is I don’t feel fat!! AT ALL!!! I feel strong. I feel energetic…..I mean….I eat well. I can run a mile in an excellent time. I can lift a pretty impressive amount of weight for someone my size. And most of all, I SURELY do not look fat. I mean yeah, I have a big butt, but granted that’s genetic, and I like it….so do most men. But I look average. I mean I wear a size 4 dress, 8/10 pant….and small shirts (because I have no boobs, LOL). But yet all the experts would say I’m fat. So would most of mainstream America.And if I weighed what these people call the ideal weight for someone my size, I’d look sick. I’d look unhealthy. I know because I was there once…..when I was 12!!! And even then ppl were trying to shove food down my throat because I needed “some more meat on my bones” (in my grandma’s words). If I looked that way now, people would look at me funny. I’d be mistaken for a child. Sheesh….so if I’M fat…what the HELL is obese, really??

I’m upset.

I AM NOT FAT!!! And none of these so called experts can make me believe it!!! I just…UGH!!!

There are things I want to do that require me to be a certain size….in particlar, there’s a job that has a heigt weight ratio requirement I’d love to have. The ratio isn’t publicized though. And I don’t want to waste my time any embarass myself if I’m not even close to the average height/weight ratio for what someone my height is supposed to be. but at this point according to these damn people…..I’m damn near 55 pounds overwieght. There is no hope. Because I’m not gonna lose that much weight and be walking around with my ribs poking out and my spine showing when I wear a bikini. I can’t win.

Something has got to give somewhere…..

Hair, P90X, and then some….

     Been a few days, I know. Just been trying to find a job. STILL. Damned economy. But first thing first a hiar update (ya curls)….did a trim about two inches all the way around. I was sad. But no point in having length that’s unhealthy, rihgt? Been keeping up with my night routine of twists with the silk scarf. LOVE IT! My hair is more manageable, softer, and has a beautiful sheen. I attempted a straw set for the first time, with some flat twists and bantu knots in the front of my hair. It’s cute. But silly me didn’t take any pics, and it looks bad now, so I’m taking it out tonight, LOL. Tonight I’m going to try another protective style. Dunno what though, as of yet.

On the nutrition tip, I haven’t weighed myself in a while….because I can’t find the scale! LOL!!! And my diet is still going well. I have the P90X program, which a ninety day fitness program, supposedly really intense, to make you lean/ripped in 3 months. So I’m starting it officially today. Had it for a while now, but I’ve been pretty skeptical (when you watch the infomercial it just sucks you in, but afterwards your like…IDK). So tomorrow I’m gonna post pics of where I am now (monthly bloat and all…LMAO) and will update week to week until I get to the end. There’s 3 phases of P90X (classic, lean and doubles). I’m tempted to do double. I’m in pretty good shape. I can handle the double workout and think I’d see results faster. I’m not sure. I may just do it and continue my current workout program as well and see where that gets me. Like I said, IDK.

I was thinking about something today….I have always been two different ppl. What I mean by this is I am natural, eco-friendly, socially aware. Yet I also have this fetish for designer tech gadgets, big name fashion, SUVS and tricked out spots cars…etc, etc. Two polar opposites inhabiting the same body. My maturing journey/personal battle has always been finding the balance between the two. Anyone who knows me knows I like being the center of attention. I like to flirt, and would love to be well known for a few particular skills. But I am also a spiritual person, and this again is posing abalance issue. I want to work in a certain indusrty. But the industry is questionable to many ppl, including my spiritual advisor. So at what point is it really a sin? Like, lawyers sometimes lie or manipulate things in the advantage of themselves and the client they represent. Is it hard for them to sleep at night? Are they looked down upon by ppl who worship with them? Not really. Actors portray scandalous ppl. No one considers them bad because of it. So should I feel bad for wanting to do what it is (no I’m not telling) I want to do? Or is it one of those personal conviction things? Sheesh, times like this make me wish I had ACTUAL parents. Which makes me thnk about something else…but that another post altogether. LOL.

I think that’s really all I have to say right now. Yep.

UPDATE…

Okey dokey..first and foremost I lost 3 more lbs. YAY!!

Tried my first twist out. No pics because it was HORRENDOUS!!! But I think it was because my ends were shot! They were gross. So I cut it about 2 inches off of my hair. Sucks, because I liked the length but healthy short hair is better than brittle long hair. And I’m about to invest some cash in some essentials oils for my hair and for Mr. Perfect’s dreads. The night routine is working great. My hair is noticeably softer and more manageable.

OH…and how about ya girl has 3 (count ‘em)…THREE interviews in the next few days. AWESOME. I”m getting more and more excited about the job thing. Everything happens for a reason and I think this is a much needed change/reality check/new lease on things for me and my little family as well.

On a side note, the mini-me has been misbehaving lately. Anyone with teenagers, get at me, I could so use some advice!!

Love to all….Mwah!

Semi-employed….

Aight, for those of you who dunno, I am unemployed at the moment. I wake up at six every morning and hit the web, filing out applications. I then look for open interview days and stuff at local businesses….I’m ACTIVELY searching for a new job.
But I do still have a lot of spare time on my hands. So when I’m not working by looking for a job I’m working by doing things like cleaning my house, organizing paperwork, and working out. And now that I have my blog, I’ll probably be posting on here a great deal too. (Especially today. I’m extremely bored, and I’ve already hit a wall on the job search, which normally doesn’t happen until baout 3, 3:30ish.)So…yeah….LOL.

Anyway…I HAVE to talk about the discovery I made last night. As I’ve stated before, I’m working on getting back into shape. In high school, I ran track and was really active outside of school. When I moved out and into my dorm my first semester of college, I slowly started picking up weight and quickly stopped being as active. As a result almost three years later, the person who used to be 5’4″, 125 (all muscle…my BMI was like 8%, scary thin) is now 5’5″ (loving the extra inch) and…grimace….168. And that’s after I’ve already lost 8 pounds on this little diet. I mean I carry it well. I am more muscle weight than fat….and most of the fat is in my ass. I have HUGE thighs, HUGE calves, a HUGE backside, an average waist, and an average bust.  My measurements are 36-28-44.5 (told ya…the ass). My arms are kind of big…LOL. But anyway, I’ve been working out a lot more lately. AND I’M PHASING OUT FAST FOOD. When I was in high school, my parents rarely bought fast food. There were too many kids to eat Mickey D’s everyday (it would have cost a fortune, even with the dollar menu!). But when I was on my own, for the first year and a half, it was all I ate, and it was still pretty bad after that! So I think that played a big factor in me gaining the pounds. But I’ve been doing a lot of work on the elliptical and I use a bike and the treadmill as warm ups and cool down sessions. I also do yoga once a week (everyone talks about how good it is for you, but it is sooooo boring.) and I’m starting to factor in a little weight training. I’ve been drinking tons of water and trying to watch what I eat and snack on. But last night, we (Mr. Perfect, Mini-Me, and I) were running late after staying at a friend’s house to visit a little too long, and didn’t hit Wally World until almost 10! So then came the usual convo…

Me: What y’all wanna eat?
 Mr. Perfect: Man, I don’t care.
Mini-Me: (BLANK STARE)
Me: Dude, somebody say something!
Mr. Perfect: Nothin’ you wann eat?
Me: No, not really. Besides, by the time I get out the kitchen, I don’t care, I just wanna sit down.
Mr. Perfect: What about you, Mini-She?
Mini-Me: Huh? (BLANK STARE) I dunno. I told y’all what happend at school?? (Proceeds to tell story about some sort of mischief/troublemaking that he somehow almost never gets caught for..)
Me: I’ll just grab something….(sigh)

Or at least some variation of it….LOL. It never fails. They do it everytime. So after pushing my shopping cart down almost every aisle of the grocery side of Wal-Mart, I decided to get mad. I made them eat frozen TV dinners. (Evil grin) I mean, they weren’t saying anything, it was late, and I was ready to go home. So as they picked out theirs….I was looking for something healthy, filling, and quick, all at the same time. So I came across the Lean Cuisine thingys. And they’re okay, but…I’m never satisfied until I eat like, 3 of em. So then I saw the “Healthy Choice:complete Selections” meals. AWESOME! they come in a green box with a wide variety of meal to choose from. They tell you right on the front  of the box what percentage of the daily portions of fruits, veggies, and all that good stuff it contains, it gives you all the IMPORTANT nutrition info, and comes with some pretty tasty dessert. If you do weight watchers (should those W’s be capital?? Oh well) it tells you how many points they are, and if you’re on any other kind of diet it tells you the substitution option (i.e. 1 starch, 1 1/2 fruit…1 Carb…blah, blah, blah). After adding a little Tony Chachare’s to it, it was great. AND I WAS FULL. I was so excited. So try em if you’re hungry.

On to other things….Lets talk about hair. I must admit…I don’t take care of my hair the way I should, expecially when it comes to protective styling and nighttime care. I have a pretty good washing and conditioning routine. I mostly wear it in full for mode, a wash-n-go, or some variation of the puff. And on dys when I’m particularly lazy or it won’t cooperate, I wear it under this silk wrap/scarf thingy. I dunno what it  is really. But I put it on and wrap it into a bun. I hate it really. I do. It’s ugly and it makes me look old, but I don’t really have many other options. Or so I say…
I am taking it upon myself to stop wearing this dreadful thing more than once a week (phase it out slowly LOL). I have a bunch of protective styles I’m going to try, and I’m looking for a night routine to start tonight. It was hard, I worked a t a car dealership so by the time I got home it was pretty late and I just showered and jumped into bed. I would only wrap/tie my hair if it was styled or something. BUT..no more. I love  my curls, and so I MUST start treating them better. If anyone has any product suggestions (cheap ones please, LOL. It’s a recession, I’m semi-employed, and Mr. Perfect already wants to kill me for not budgeting better!) let me know!!! I guess that’s all for now, since this post is kinda long! LOL.

Feb. 20, 2007

Mardi Gras morning I woke up with a matted half relaxed-half natural mess on my head. I had been transitioning for almost a year. I told my boyfriend we should go to a salon (we ended up at Wal-Mart) so I could get a wash and a trim; I was hoping to at least look decent at the parades and such. But somewhere between getting in the car and sitting in the chair, I decided that there was something I had to do. I asked her to cut it all off. My boyfriend grimaced. Then he took pictures and laughed as the clippers took away a large part of who I was. I cried briefly, as the stylist lamented, “No point in cryin’ now baby, no turning back now….nothing you can do.” I sighed. I called my sister who was transitioning herself, and she brought along my cousin and stood ther in awe, commenting on how brave I was. I would never have said anything there but I was terrified. We later went to Sally’s and picked out a few products. The ride there was tense. My boyfriend…we’ll call him Mr. Perfect…was extra quiet. I wondered if he thought I was ugly without my hair (he used it against me later in some pretty heated arguments). I cried a little more. But when I walked out of Sally’s, and I saw my reflection in the store’s window. I saw something. I saw me, and honestly, she and I hadn’t seen each other in a long time. Deep brown skin, full lips, big behind and a short cropped do….with these huge hoop earrings and an even bigger smile. Yep…Let the good times roll….

 

Now a little over two years later, I have chin length tightly coiled curls. My hair is a reflection of who I am….natural, wild, free, constantly growing and changing. I do not regret for one second the decision I made that day. It was probably the best decision I ever made….and Mardi Gras will always be that much more special to me.

The day I took the plunge....Two years later, with a full puff after a night out.

A Little History…

     Since this is my first post, I thought I’d write a little bit about myself. I’m Renee, I’m a twentysomething native of the south of mainly African American and Dominican heritage. I am an avid reader, HUGE music fan, a car freak, a tech nerd…and about 50 other things, LOL. I’m pretty eclectic. I LOVE MY NATURAL HAIR!! It’s awesome and its probably the main thing I’ll be writing about. I’m not quite as in the know as a lot of other naturals (the whole hair type thing is confusing, I rarely mix my own products, my style library is pretty limited) but I hope to change that soon! I have a wonderful boyfriend who has a wonderful head of locs (even though I don’t play in them as much as he likes, LOL). And I have custody of my younger brother who is growing a fro of his own now. Se..I influenced them he he. Um…anything else you guys need to know you’ll probably find out as we go along! See ya peeps!!